Understanding Verbal Abuse

It is difficult to not personalize verbal assaults and there are reasons why that is so.

Responding to verbal abuse requires a strong self-awareness. That is why it is not easy to deal with these attacks. This is the second in a series of three posts. In this post, you are encouraged to distinguish the different reactions between one’s body, soul and spirit.

  1. What is the initial reaction to cursing?
  2. What is the initial thinking when abused?
  3. What is the desire when abused?

The first question is a physical reaction. The initial instinct is to use your body to stop the abuse. The victim mirrors their abuser!

The second question is the mental reaction. The initial instinct is to reason with the abuser. Fact: you cannot reason with an abuser!

The third question is the spiritual reaction. Overt aggression is often answered by passive aggression. At this stage, the victim enables their own abuse!

Freedom

The Book of Proverbs in the Bible has much to say about cursing. Through the related axioms, we can formulate strategies to handle verbal abuse.

1. Cursing is like the continual, unrelenting fall of rain (Proverbs 27:14-15). The apostle Peter masked his discipleship to Jesus by cursing (Matthew 26:74). He was covering bitterness and confusion.

  • Curses have causes and are not accidental outbursts (Proverbs 26:2).
  • Visualize the cursing as a mask hiding the abuser’s face.
  • Consider what it is the abuser is hiding.

2. Cursing is difficult NOT to personalize (Proverbs 10:19). Why? Because 90% of a person’s 40,000 – 60,000 thoughts per day are negative! Verbal abuse profanes the sanctuary of our space.

  • Visualize the workspace of the abuser as your personal home.
  • How does it feel to have your personal space invaded by outside influence?
  • There is a natural desire to protect your family. Apply this feeling to those around you. You affect them when you are affected by verbal abuse.

3. The most effective strategy is to diffuse a negative spirit by a positive spirit (Proverbs 27:17).

  • Unasked for and unwanted thoughts need to be confronted.
  • Calmly and firmly respond along the lines: “Stop making me feel unworthy.” or simply just, “Stop it!”
  • Visualize each unwanted thought as being written on a paper. Now mentally burn that paper in fire. As the smoke ascends, visualize the negativity disappearing. This exercise is even more powerful when performed literally.

Prayer for Healing Victims of Abuse

God of endless love,
ever caring, ever strong,
always present, always just:
You gave your only Son
to save us by the blood of his cross.

Gentle Jesus, shepherd of peace,
join to your own suffering
the pain of all who have been hurt
in body, mind, and spirit
by those who betrayed the trust placed in them.

Hear our cries as we agonize
over the harm done to our brothers and sisters.
Breathe wisdom into our prayers,
soothe restless hearts with hope,
steady shaken spirits with faith:
Show us the way to justice and wholeness,
enlightened by truth and enfolded in your mercy.

Holy Spirit, comforter of hearts,
heal your people’s wounds
and transform our brokenness.
Grant us courage and wisdom, humility and grace,
so that we may act with justice
and find peace in you.
We ask this through Christ, our Lord. Amen.

(The above prayer from the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops.)

Related Post: Verbal Abuse

Related Series:

Barriers to Success

A barrier is like a wall. There is something stopping you from reaching your goal.

If you are like most people, the first major barrier standing in the way of reaching your success, is knowing what success actually looks like. Emma Bambeck was quoted for saying,

Don’t confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

Many people are frustrated feeling they can’t find success because they don’t know what it looks like. 

In the concluding chapter of my book, 56 Notions of Success, I write,

Success is not becoming a superstar; that is Fame. Success is fulfilling and exceeding your personal goals… To be able to spend your life pursuing your visions, dreams, and goals is the essence of success. The essence of fame is merely a report of someone’s actions. It is shallow in comparison to true success. Strive for success not superstardom. Pursue your goals, not other’s. That is seeking fame. Any goal must be yours if you are to succeed. 

Success Book Cover

Here is a practical exercise.

  1. Identify what is the single most thing you desire to have right now. It can be a car, house, boat, or material possession, but does not have to be. It could be a better relationship with your partner, child, or sibling. It could be a promotion at work. It could be peace of mind. Don’t worry about what society defines as success.
  2. Next identify the largest obstacle that is stopping you from reaching that goal. It might be lack of education or certification, inability to communicate appropriately, lack of confidence, lack of money; each of us have something personal. Envision that obstacle as a wall. It is blocking your path to success.
  3. Now smash that wall with the biggest, ‘baddest’, mental hammer you can mentally swing.

Let’s say you wrote down: “I want to have a better relationship with my partner.” Now ask yourself, “What does it look like?” You say you want a better relationship; what does that mean? You have identified a desire of your heart and that is fabulous; however,

you will never fulfill that desire until you do the hard work of mentally identifying what it looks like.

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I am challenging you to articulate the end result you desire. If you can envision what it looks like, you can smash the limitation with a visualized hammer.

Clear your path to success and keep your goal for 2018 alive!